The written and unwritten letters from a Bear…

There are sent and unsent letters from each spectrum of Bear's mind.

Dear Boltfox,

Hello. It’s me. I hope you remember me fondly. I wanted to say that I miss you and this silence between us is very painful. This has been one of the most painful and longest week’s of my life. I want to hear you voice and see if you’re okay. But, another part of me is afraid to hear your voice since its painful to be apart from you.

I want to be in your arms again, and kiss you on your soft, plump lips and tell you how much I love you. But, you made it clear you don’t want to be with me that way. That’s where the fear of seeing you ahead of time and hearing you comes in. I don’t think I can be near you without falling apart if we can’t be together.

Everyone in my household tells me to be strong and have some pride. To not be weak and call you, or beg you. I feel like the way you up and left as if you grew tired of me and just abandoned me. I feel like you have abandoned me. That everything I achieved means nothing and that my mental illness was too much for you.

It’s hard to not be around you. You’re my best friend that I tell corny jokes to and feel completely safe with. It hurts that you don’t even send me a text message or anything, but I understand you need your space. I hold no grudge over it.

We made an agreement to not speak or see one another until April. And I promise to honor it. I want you to be better. I hope the days to yourself have been good and eventful.

I have done some thinking of my own and I realize I haven’t been the nicest or the most considerate with you at times. I am aware that I’m not the most easiest or most manageable person to be around. But, I can say I have a big heart and I’m genuine and honest. I’m not selfish despite my lazy mannerisms at times. I truly feel and stand up for what’s right.

From everything you told me the last time I spoke to you, it still stings and I feel alone. It hurts a lot that you don’t reconsider things. It’s that I’m such a burden and you only see the wrongs in me and not the good things.

I don’t know what else to say now. I just want you back and to tell you that I love you and hope you value it.

With love,

Me.

Dear Ex.Friend,

This is an unsent letter I was originally going to send you through Tumblr back when we were friends. But now its here and will be forever unread by you.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Blogspot,

It’s quite hard to try to float over to using Blogger full time when the import posts function is not working at all.

And its even more annoying that no one at Google wants to fix this atrocity that is interfering with using Blogger to its fullest potential. I want to import my old posts. How can I do that when you won’t let me?

Fix it, thank you.

Unhappy camper,

Bear.

Dear Corsetsandclockwork,

It was really sweet of you to send me a postcard while you’re studying aboard in London. I envy your experience, but even so, I don’t feel quite right using the word “envy” since I want you to be happy and successful in your many adventures.

There are just times where I wish to find myself in your shoes since my current postion in life doesn’t allow me to. My family is too demanding in many aspects for my attentions.

Even so, I am very happy that you are having a blast. Your postcard really touched me and I am happy that you took the time to send me a piece of your trip.

Be safe and enjoy everything while it goes. 🙂

With love,

Bear.

Dear Allergies,

We meet again it seems.

I hate you. I’m an asthmatic and you want to make it hard for me to breathe?

Fuck you. I hate you. Die.

No love,

Bear.

Dear Nelly [otherwise known as Lonelyqueen9]

I know this day isn’t your cup of tea, but regardless of the significance of the day, it is still your birthday and I want you to have the best time of your life because you are a special girl.

Enjoy and live large. You’re only 25 once.

Love you. You’re like a sister to me.

With love,

Bear.

Dear Emma Stone,

I am a big fan of yours. I think you are a beautiful, charming and well-talented young woman of our age and I found you stunning with your red hair.

So, can you consider dying your hair back to red because the blonde isn’t doing you justice. It makes you look haggard and it takes away from your beauty.

Just saying.

Your fan,

Bear.

Dear Livejournal,

Thank you for existing. I have not found a blog/journal site quite like you. I had Xanga back in its hey-day, Myspace, Facebook, Blogspot (which is decent but it’s not a broad enough audience to my liking), Vox, Dear Diary, Insanejournal, Greatestjournal, deadjournal, lostjournal, journalfen, blurty and tried Tumblr (which is okay if you want a photoblog) but none of them come up to quite match you, to be quite frank.

Back when I first discovered LJ was during my crazed fandom phase in high school. I was dealing with a lot of pressures from my peers, academics and my agoraphobia and depression which included my asthma. It was a real rotten time for me. Reading and writing fanfiction was my one and only positive outlet at the moment.

I came across LJ when I went to a faved FF.net author’s profile. They author’s personal website link was there so I clicked on it out of curiousity and the author, somnambulicious , livejournal was there. That’s where it started.

I was enthralled by the format of the blog and how fun it was to read the entries. The blog itself was very customiziable. I was very much in love with the website.

The other users known as “Friends” commented as freely as they wanted to. And it seemed somewhat intimate and that really appealed to me. To have an online audience that actually commented on your entries full of thoughts, wonders, opinions, fiction, hopes and dreams and etc. It was very appealing to me to the point I wanted to give it a try.

And I did. I enjoyed very much my first taste of LJ. I ventured into the communities and made friends.

Sure, there was wank and drama but it didn’t keep me away. Then when my disinterest became too much of a hassle, I deleted my journals. But despite it all, my love/hate relationship with livejournal was too strong a bond, I always came back when other blogs sites failed to give me the complete fullfilling experience LJ has given me.

I became a more comfortable person with my interests. I was able to express myself privately or with a handful of friends/audience that would “get me” and not criticized and be actually interested unlike a few of my friends.

It’s nice to have an online “family of friends”  to go to when the day is slow or the work load has slowed down to a slow pace.

I learned about myself and a lot about things I didn’t even know about through LJ.

Thank you, LJ, for making it bearable to deal with the crazies of life. Thanks for being a good place to vent and make friends.

Sincerely,

Bear.

Dear Nelly,

Hello, hello, hello. After all these years you still shine as bright as the sun and a blinking star. You are still one of my crazy with life and humor friends that always turns the room or situation into the life of the party.

And after all the muck, drama, pain and tears; you still gleam with wholesome light of honesty and genuine beauty.

If I was able to believe in a prayer, I always would have prayed to keep you still genuine and wonderfully pure of your Nelly essence.

Thank you, for being one of my first real friends. Your honest intentions to be a true friend for me when I didn’t have anyone meant and still means a lot to me because you still are there whether or not you are physically present.

Thank you for every single one of those great Kodak-worthy moments.

with love,

Bear.
xoxoxoxoxo

Dear Grace,

I remember you were one of the few friends I had back in elementary school. You were genuinely a nice person to me that was always there and I never was the good friend that I should have been to you. I always avoided you. I acted like you were a nuisance and I was even at one point in time embarrassed to associate myself with you because you were the big, semi-awkward fat girl that I didn’t want to identify with because I hated myself just as much and felt alone and isolated.

I felt like no one in the world would understand me and you were one of the few kind people there for me and I took you for granted. I didn’t stand up for you. I snubbed you. I often tried running away from you. I was a bad friend. I learned a great deal about how to be true to yourself, give in to your gut instincts, peer-pressure is useless and is dumb as balls, how to be a better person, grew a spine and ceased ignoring my compassionate nature in middle school and yonder.

If I could run into you, I would say sorry. Yes, I wasn’t a Mean Girl, per se, but I was a lousy friend. I still have lingering guilt whenever I see a girl that resembles you, Grace, cross my path. I hope the best of things in your life.

Sincerely,

Bear.
xoxoxoxo